they tell you anorexia causes depression. ill tell you what causes depression. waking up every morning and feel fat, feeling worthless. looking around and seeing everybody 10 times thinner than you are. sitting down on a couch and looking at your thighs and stomach and having no one else to blame but yourself for being fat. hunger is good. hunger is great. atleast you’re doing something about your body.. at the very least. it just doesn’t stop there. you don’t want to see anyone because you feel so fat and when you actually do the topic only circles your head to come to the fact of the discussion. and when they compliment that one skinny girl walking past all you do is want to break. this is where anorexia starts. you see a page of a magazine and it no longer depresses you.. but it gives you that goal. you stop eating and feel hunger. hungry. what defines hunger? the want to eat? or the need to eat? well I’m here to tell you it’s neither. your body doesn’t need the extra calories. you feel good. succeeded that you havnt eaten. you feel sick just putting something in your mouth. they ask why you don’t want any food and you make some excuse. it hurts a little to lie but it’s a goood lie. avoids puking later on. you lay down in bed and just draw your hands down your chest. all you feel is fat. and heavy. and even if you dare mentioning it to someone all they do is tell you the opposite. and lets be honest here.. we’ve all told a fat girl she’s perfect. you start to feel a little tired, cravings kick in and leave. you’re forced into going to the shops to get an essential and all that circles your head is the glares of people as you walk by. it’s almost as if they’re eyes speak to you. those words that strike the coldest part of your heart.”she’s so fat” all you want is to be skinny. it’s on your mind all the time.. like a dog and it’s owner. you want to go to the gym. you need to. you don’t want to build muscle all you want to be is skinny. and you hate yourself… for eating so much while being the old you. you’re petrified of what you might become. sometimes you just sit in the corner of your room, where calories can’t come near you. and just cry. because you’re giving every ounce of your body to one goal (literally) and you can never reach that destination.. it’s like a never ending dug up hole, you think you’re going to hit the bottom but you just keep falling. you can never be too skinny. never. people will find you unattractive because you’re “too skinny” silently judging.. but you always know you’re not skinny enough. and all you want to do is just stop eating forever, but you’re not stupid.. you know it means death after 2 days. but you don’t want to die.. atleast not like this. starvation is the hardest suicide. death almost looks beautiful. you can just be bones. you can never be too skinny. never. well.. atleast in your mind.